⇒ reddit joke thread

link: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/gp4p4/what_is_the_funniest_joke_you_know_winners_get/

some highlights:
[–]tehPwnerer46 708 points 5 days ago
How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
permalink
[–]ignignokt-_- 200 points 5 days ago
I heard it as:
How many ADD sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
permalinkparent
[–]tehPwnerer46 465 points 5 days ago
How many Vietnam War vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE, MAN!!!!
permalinkparent
[–]ggggbabybabybaby 256 points 5 days ago
Each time the joke threads appear, I make it a point to post these two:
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
permalinkparent
[–]ninjajoe 200 points 5 days ago
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
permalinkparent
[–]Tusularah 90 points 5 days ago
I heard it as, "They don't: They leave it off and pretend they're still underground."
permalinkparent
[–]cesarjulius 35 points 5 days ago
I heard it as a statement about modern man's disassociation with nature, while referencing early Gary Shandling (~1985). I'm pretty sure that's what the artist intended, but they also built in a certain amount of ambiguity, so I guess your interpretation is not totally wrong.
permalinkparent
[–]Tusularah 23 points 5 days ago
Please, associating that man with the piece in question is an amatuerish stretch. And while we're on the subject of Shandling, I found his work in "Welcome Back, Kotter" to be both gauche and highly derivative. No, the joke is obviously meant to explore the ease with which men to inflict evil upon 'the other', and obvious reference to the work of Albert Camus and Don Rickeles.

[–]Dafman 280 points 5 days ago
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar

[–]Konceptz 595 points 5 days ago
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
[–]Presii [S] 326 points 5 days ago
Why does Snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
fo drizzle.
permalinkparent
[–]Demaroth 217 points 5 days ago
Why does Snoop Dogg carry a frying pan?
Fo sizzle.
permalinkparent
[–]InternetiquetteCop 135 points 5 days ago
Why does Snoop Dogg use a serrated knife?
Fo' gristle.

[–]kowabungo 291 points 5 days ago
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
permalinkparent
[–]wzpgsr 237 points 5 days ago
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.


Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is on the balcony with Dave?"

♥♣♦♠

⇒ succeed blog

paper airplane hovering


lots of dominos


crazy vertical flip while climbing


dice as pixels

♥♣♦♠

⇒ things I missed covering

global:
Massive BP oil pipeline leak dumping something like 100,000 barrels of oil onto Mexico coastline. see sidebar below
That unpronounceable volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, disrupting the shit out of European flights

sport:
French Open started
World Cup soon--hysteria already on

business:
Apple now longer just the MVP of silicon valley, they're number 2 in corporate America now: src

tech:
man infects himself with computer virus. That sentence is really more sensational than the actual effects.


BP oil related article: Obama's oil dream team. Did anyone else get a Jerry-Bruckheimer's-Armageddon feeling? check the picture of Slocum, the 'wacky' one:

Malkovich

♥♣♦♠

⇒ webcomics

Latest catchup:
busy with work, home, family and other commitments. Also been mentally down low. So low I almost lost my mind. Feeling better now.


my previous workplace. Absolutely soul-crushing.

then there's this:

and this:



Dilbert again:

♥♣♦♠

⇒ cracked RROD

cracked.com's awesome, even-handed reaction to Xbox RROD

more epic humor from Cracked.com
"We now take it as pretty common knowledge that you just don't mess with Vietnam, even if you're an immensely powerful and technologically superior nation. They know kung fu, or something, and apparently every time they get invaded they simply level up."

♥♣♦♠

⇒ priceless

♥♣♦♠

⇒ Dolphy

10 Reasons We Miss Dolph Lundgren
awesome list about the Dolph. I've got Masters of the Universe, the Punisher and Rocky IV, and seen Dark Angel (aka I come in Peace), Universal Soldier and Shodown in Little Tokyo, all good.

♥♣♦♠

⇒ Ninjas unbox Google's Nexus One

♥♣♦♠

⇒ Just makes me laugh

♥♣♦♠

⇒ reads

old game review alert:
an honest (and synchonristic) review of Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii).

Hey! These guys are ludicrously on the money: "...the hideously bloated MGS4...", "...outdated controls...". Finally someone in tune with my gaming sensibilities!

sci-fi short story:

A sound of thunder
by Ray Bradbury. Btw, I hated Fahrentheit 451

Weekly World News on Google books. First photos of heaven? I'm there!

♥♣♦♠

⇒ not nickleback

but awesome

♥♣♦♠

⇒ Bat parody

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

♥♣♦♠

⇒ Awesome

movie summaries
here are a few highlights:
W: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.

not awesome: raw account of law grads in US: shitlaw primer

♥♣♦♠

⇒ the most important flowchart in computing history

♥♣♦♠

⇒ refreshing

game factories (no, these are not real):


3D dot game heroes:

see! that's what i like, creativity! Take something old and do something new with it! Rebel! Instead of super-realism, why not super-unrealism?

I just hope there's decent gameplay under that pretty shell * final fantasy *

♥♣♦♠

⇒ Inside Steve Jobs' pad (not really)

♥♣♦♠

⇒ people

Michael Caine impersonation:

how come he didn't play Alfred like this?


that was unbelievable! Dead on perfect. I like Aries Spears' Shaq too...



source

♥♣♦♠

⇒ misc

This vid won me over

Cracked:
Nuns who could kick your ass

8 moments from MMA

gourmet foods that used to be cheap

Mary's Room

Digit Ratio


sweet! Tatsunoko vs capcom coming to english territories!

Men's Fitness:
lose weight faster

muscle tricks

whup someone's ass

test your strength


tips for a better you
here's my summary:

• love what you do


• look after yourself


• never back down


• listen, observe


• come prepared


• got lemons? make lemonade


• don't lie to yourself


• finish what you start

Tennis time

:
Federer just won FO'09 and beat Rafa in Madrid Masters finals, straight sets. I'm guilty of having written off Fed. Impressive, not to take anything from Fed's win, but Rafa did just come off a (greatest best-of-3 clay) 4hr match the day before. Also, Rafa's most vulnerable in best of 3 matches, he's said so himself...then again, for Fed to win on clay in Rafa's home/dominant tournaments, is pretty big.
Federer's bagel party stats


Rafa training

Rafa interview | Rafa the unstoppable

pre-french open '09 mens predictions
ha ha...none of it accurate!

french open stats

♥♣♦♠

⇒ mo' tennis

cool hand davydenko

too bad he got whupped by Soda head-oh wellz...Go FerGonzo! Show him you power!
Yeh, that's my pick for FO'09 win, Fer Gonzales-paid his dues, good enough clay courter, not a prick.

I guess this is one of those years the journeyman makes a run to the finals and dumps the perennial favorite just cause he's on a hot streak (cf. AusOpen '02 final, AusOpen '08 both semis)

I'm sure Rafa will stomp Soda head at some point down the line...mess with the bull you get the horns!

last words about Rafa's loss:
"Um, he didn't retire, right? (Laughter) No, he'll bounce back strong. I'm convinced about that. Sure, it was a big upset, but I mean, the focus wasn't really there, to be quite honest.

Of course, my dream scenario is to beat Rafa here in the finals, but I gotta concentrate on my part of the draw and make sure I come through like today.

...

Well, I mean, I think it's the same for all the players right there, you know, to be quite honest. It's like if you've just beaten a great player, and then you have to back it. Like Kohlschreiber has to do or Soderling has to do.

It's not an easy task,because how often does it happen in your life? It happens just a few times, and it's hard to back them up. I went through it when I beat Sampras at Wimbledon and then lost to Tim. I didn't play that bad against Tim, but youjust realize that not only Sampras can play tennis, but Henman can and there are so many other players that play so well.

Just because you beat this one particular player, it doesn't mean you're going to now beat everybody easily. That's where it's hard mentally to be able to shift. Yourself you have to keep on playing dream tennis, and that's a hard thing to do sometimes."
-Roger Federer
source

"My reaction was surprise obviously, like you or everyone here, because normally Rafa is the winner here, so nobody expected him to lose that quick.

But anyway, it shows that in sport anything can happen. Even Rafa, that it seems that he can never lose, when he's not 100% in a match and the other player is 200%, then things can happen.

Anyway, I think that it was really close. If Rafa would have won the fourth set, maybe he will win the match. But Soderling was hitting great, and Rafa, he wasn't the Rafa that we are used to seeing."
-Tommy Robredo
source

Toni Nadal's thoughts on the Parisian crowd here...I'm inclined to agree purely on my past experiences and personal history with French people.

♥♣♦♠

⇒ bruno nuts

eminem got tea bagged at the mtv movie awards last night....ooh something tells me he's not gonna stop at a mixtape reprisal. I'm thinking driveby with Fiddy, G-Unit, Dre and D12 hanging out the side...

I must admit I found it funny. Sheesh Marshall, have a sense of humor!

♥♣♦♠